Bratting Vs. Disrespect

Welcome to my educational series! I've been wanting to do something like this for a while, to spread awareness and education about consensual power dynamics and safe(ish) kink play. These posts will also be on my Facebook page(s), and my Instagram page.

Bratting Vs. Disrespect - Where is the line? That line is going to be different for everyone, and it comes down to one word - Negotiation.

Within the confines of BDSM, Negotiation is the magical word that helps you get what you want, and protect your partner at the same time. But it is (as Reuben says in AOSAS) a lost art.

How about an example:

"I want to brat you because I want you to force me to submit because that's hot."

"Okay. I like that too. I'll do that."

This is not a good negotiation. This is a conceptual conversation only. Let's take it further and keep it safe and respectful.

"I want to mouth off to you so you put me in my place."

"Do you want to be put in your place with verbal degradation and humiliation and bullying? Or just physically pounded into the mattress?"

"Pounded, please. And punished, but not 'I'm disappointed in you' punished. Just 'I want you to remember who is in charge' punished."

"I'm okay with that, but I don't want you to insult me or question my love for you when you mouth off. And I don't want you to poke me in the stomach when you brat me, because that's a sensitive thing for me that I'm still working on."

"I want to make sure you see how much I want you once we start playing. I don't want to make you feel insecure. But, can I call you names to exacerbate the energy?"

"Yes, but don't call me a looser. It pulls me out of the headspace. What can I call you, or not call you?"

"You can call me everything except a cunt. And you can spank me, but don't slap my face."

"What is important to you in the scene?"

"That I feel valued and treasured, and that I feel how much you desire to dominate me. The rest is details. What about you?"

"I want you to be worn out at the end. If you're not exhausted and worn out, keep pushing me. I don't want to leave you half fucked. I want you to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I love you, respect you, and can satisfy you."

(this is just barely scratching the surface, and there can be so much more.)

But the point here is that it's more than just "do this, don't do that." This negotiation has limits in place, a goal in mind, and a mental, physical, and emotional state where both couples want to be at the end of the scene.

This is respectful bratting.

Having a safeword or safe code in place is good, too. In AOSAS, Reuben counts to 3 to tell Alice where he is on the "okay" scale. Some couples might use counting to three to show how close they are to being ready to play. My husband and I have used "pause" as a phrase to mean "I need to step away and process some stuff, or mentally prepare myself, but I still want to do this" kind of key word.

Define your terms. Set your limits. Ask for what you want. Respect your partner.

That is good communication.

Happy bratting!

How do I get my partner to do that kinky thing I like?

Welcome to my educational series! I've been wanting to do something like this for a while, to spread awareness and education about consensual power dynamics and safe(ish) kink play. These posts will also be on my Facebook page(s), and my Instagram page.

I see this question online a lot! How do you get your partner to do that thing you really want to try? It could be as simple as fuzzy handcuffs, or as major as mindfuck.

Once again, the answer is pretty simple: You don't pressure your partner into doing anything that would break their limits.

This one really comes down to communication. If you communicate your wants and needs, and your partner understands why it's important to you, and it is within their own limits, often times they will be willing to try it. However, if you mention something to your partner and it makes them uncomfortable, pushing or pressuring them to do the thing is a violation of consent.

But let's say your partner is pretty open, and you're struggling to bring up the thing. Here are a few conversation tips that can help.

1. "I was reading a story/watching a video/thinking the other day where (Describe in detail the thing). It made me really excited and I felt ________." The more detailed and specific you can be here, the better. Especially if your partner is vanilla, they might not have an idea of how to incorporate a kink into play. This is a great way to introduce an idea without outright asking, which, for someone without experience, could shut them down without actually exploring the idea. Gauge your partner's response. If they get excited by the idea, it might be fun to ask. If they look at you like you're crazy, it may be best to pick something a little more tame to start.
   

2. "I really like the idea of (the thing). I think it would make me feel _______." This one is great because you're assigning a "why" to the thing. Do you want to try bondage because you want to feel helpless? Or because you want to feel scared? knowing the why behind what you want will help your partner craft better scenes for you in the long run.
   

3. "Can you tell me about some of your fantasies? Can I tell you about some of mine?" This just gets the conversation going. You may be surprised what comes up!

Public BDSM and kink play - what can you do?

Welcome to my educational series! I've been wanting to do something like this for a while, to spread awareness and education about consensual power dynamics and safe(ish) kink play. These posts will also be on my Facebook page(s), and my Instagram page.

Let's talk about public BDSM play for a minute. There are all kinds of public scenes that people do in books, spicy short stories, etc. I very often see people online questioning what is ok and what is not. And then, of course, there was that viral photo a few years ago with a guy in kinkwear on a leash in public. So where exactly is the line?

It's actually pretty simple: The public hasn't consented to witnessing your play. So they cannot find out what you're doing.

Here are a few examples:

Fantasy: being naked in public under your long coat; wearing a short skirt with no panties; wearing a button-down shirt with no bra and not buttoning it, but letting it hang closed etc.

The issue with all of these: If you expose yourself, and a minor sees, you are now a sex offender. Even if the person who sees is not a minor, it's still public indecency. Even if they are not offended, they still didn't consent to see you without clothing. Ask yourself, is your fantasy more important than someone else's consent?

Solution - wear clothes. Sorry, but there's no getting around this one. You have to wear clothes in public. If you're wearing a skirt or dress that cannot fly up (a sheath dress, or one that cannot billow because of the cut) you can probably get away without wearing underwear. But be cautious who you choose to do that around.

Fantasy: Wearing bondage gear in public

Issue: it really depends on the bondage gear you wear. Are you wearing a chastity device that nobody can see? That's not a problem. Has your Top tied you up under your shirt? As long as the ropes don't show through, you're good.

What about wearing a collar and a leash in public? This is more of an issue. There could be ways to get around it, such as threading the leash through the arm of your sleeve and your partner holding it, but that is a safety concern, and I wouldn't recommend it.

A better option is for your partner to have some kind of possessive hold over you. Perhaps they put their hand on the back of your (public appropriate) collar, threading their thumb under it for a good grip. Maybe you have a bracelet around your wrist that your partner can hold, or maybe instead of holding your hand, they hold your actual wrist. This can be just as much bondage as ropes or handcuffs.

Fantasy: wearing an insertable toy in public

Issue: If your toy has even a tiny possibility of it falling out, it is the same as exposing yourself. If your toy makes noise, even if you're in a loud place, it is still possible someone will hear it. This is the same as exposing yourself. If you orgasm because you can't handle it, or look highly flustered and aroused, you are still bringing people into your kink. They didn't consent to watch you come.

The only context in which playing with an insertable toy around other people would be appropriate, is if the people around you have consented.

So maybe you're sitting on a park bench with your playmate, your toy secure (perhaps a tight pair of underwear keeping it from falling on the ground) and your playmate is playing with the controls on their phone. A group of people walk by. Your partner adjusts the sensations to stop completely. The non-players pass, and the sensations start again. This is a perfectly acceptable scenario! As long as you take careful consideration of who is around you, and what they could possibly see. Sure it's not as much fun as doing it in a restaurant where anyone could judge you... but again, you can't bring someone into your play without their consent.

If these solutions don't do it for you, it's best to play in kink-friendly spaces. Always remember to ask yourself, "If kids or cops saw this, would I go to jail?"

What kinds of public scenes have you done? Would you do it again?