Emily: (cuddling with subby hubby): you're like a marshmallow. You're warm, and soft, and squishy, and delicious.
Lindsay: and he tastes great when you set him on fire!
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LINDSAY MURRAY
Lindsay: remember that time Emily lost her Zune up in the dance studio at WCU?
Alex: Yes.
Lindsay: Who the hell buys a Zune, anyway?
Alex: People who can't afford Apple products.
Me: Shut up, Zunes are great. I loved my Zune.
Lindsay: Remember when she bought another one, and lost that one too?
Alex: Yes.
Me: THEY WERE STOLEN
Lindsay:...uh-huh. Sure they were.
Me: THEY WERE. I SWEAR.
Alex: We know they were.
Lindsay: we believe you, we just still think you're dumb for having two Zune's stolen, from the same room, a year apart from each other.
Me:... well I never denied that.
You know me as Lindsay. Let me clarify. I am not.
I mean, I am. Sort of. She's here.
(Wassup bitches!?)
But I'm here too. There are a few of us.
They've been around for a while. Sometimes a new one shows up. Sometimes one fades away. Sometimes two of them meld together and become one. Sometimes one of them splits into a bunch of different pieces.
There is a lot of debate and misunderstanding about various dissociative disorders and how they work. They're almost impossible to diagnose correctly because those suffering tend to hide their strangeness, and get very good at masking.
I don't have a diagnosis, nor do I plan to get one. I know on top of being neurodivergent as fuck, and sometimes shifting from one mindset to another out of pure survival instinct (because some of them have more spoons than others), I also have a fun coping mechanism called Maladaptive Daydreaming. MD is a fun disorder that means I get lost in my own head and soothe my anxiety by daydreaming about taking control over scenarios in my life, or more often, things that would never ever happen to me. It becomes a compulsion to work out the details of this unrealistic fantasy, and I feel unable to focus on anything else in my life until I complete the journey. Once I figure out all the details of what would happen in this fantasy, the compelling urge to "finish the story" is complete, the itch is scratched, and I can move on and focus on other things.
(sometimes.)
In many scenarios, what ends up happening is I decide it's a really good story, so I take myself out of it, and allow a shadow of myself to "take over" the role of main character in that fantasy. I create complicated worlds with well developed characters, and thoroughly explore backstory for each character. They tend to interact with each other, because the fantasies tend to go a variety of ways before I decide which one I want to stick with. (Suffice to say, when I discovered I was not the only one with this odd coping mechanism, I was incredibly relieved.)
Most of my stories have evolved from this complicated process. Once I decide on characters and the basic plot, I then let them develop and grow... ferment, in my mind. I watch, I listen, and I let them lead the way through their story (with occasional coaxing from me, because sometimes they have some really dumb ideas). Many times, these characters and the stories completely change from the original. I may go back to that original daydream some day for some other story, but once they become their own people, I let the evolution happen.
This is the case with most of my characters. They evolve and grow out of an idea, and they become something I didn't expect.
It is not the case with all.
Jake and Matt, for example, showed up fully formed in my head. So did Noemi Rose (who I don't think anyone has met yet. But we'll get there). Alice Benson arrived in a hot air balloon that exploded into glitter and candy bars. I still have a few more hanging around who haven't told me their names yet, but I'm sure they'll open up eventually... And Lindsay fucking Murray kicked the door down in my brain and won't fucking leave.
(Hah. True.)
My name is not Lindsay, but she is me, and she has me. She showed up in my head around the age of 15 and downloaded her story in my head, and she's been causing trouble ever since. She's my constant companion, my snarky interior monologue, and the one who takes over in social settings when I want to hide in my room and doom-scroll TikTok. She's the main character, and is the reason I use her name as my penname.
I will occasionally refer to myself as Emily, which is not my name either, but it's what my mom almost named me, and it was almost my penname, so that's what I'm sticking with.
In this blog, I will write about everything. My characters, the conversations I have with them, and realizations I come to, thoughts and ramblings about sex and power exchange, and my distrust of the "powers that be" that let us believe we have freedom. I will also be transferring some content from an old blog, but only the things I consider relevant.
I hope you enjoy your stay.
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